Follow1in3's Blog

Shifting gears in my priesthood. I have ataxia and it’s getting worse. For those unfamiliar with ataxia it is a degenerative disorder that effects many things most importantly a persons balance. there is no dizziness, just loss of balance. When I fall I also loose all strength so getting back up is difficult.

Focusing on the priest sexual scandal, which has been mishandled in everyway possible way, only frustrates me. Dealing with people who have no intention of coming up with real solutions to this problem is maddening. So I have to evaluate what it is God wants from me to do. Now I’m not only a member of the exclusive sexually abused by clergy club, but now I’m also a member of the marginalized disabled community. Good times!

Although not thrilled with the latest development I’ll have to see where this takes me and where it is that God wants me and what it is that he wants me to do.

It is coldish and raining. It is also gray, good sleeping weather. Sometimes when I’m depressed I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep. When I was in college seminary I remember telling someone that if I am asleep it is less time spent being awake and depressed. Twisted logic I know but in my defense I was only 18. Also in a way it was true.

Of course when you sleep all of the time you cannot work on your demons. The seminary was not a safe place. In a lot of ways the Church does not feel like a safe place either. There are people who are given some semblance of power who do not know how to deal with anything out of their little way of doing things. God forbid it does not fit into their little boxes. And it is then that they say or do something stupid and hurtful.

I freely admit that I too like boxes. I realize that there are times when they are not helpful so one must think outside of the box. Sometimes situations dictate out of the box thinking and actions. As an example I will use the time I was sexually propositioned by a stranger. After refusing said proposition I was left to ponder what it was that would make anyone think that it was okay to offer a sexual act to a priest. (I was thinking in my little box.) Maybe boxes are akin to, ‘putting our heads in the sand.’ Was that fact seen as relevant to the situation or living life as a priest. NO! All anyone wanted to discuss was a priest quoting a crazy woman’s come on and saying the words blow job.

Think out of the box. What was it that brought us to a time and place that someone would even think to say that or do that to a priest. Was the important thing saying a word for a sexual act or the fact that some stranger, a man, offered to perform that act on me? We are not in your father’s or grandfather’s Church. So in-spite of all the other stuff a priest has to deal with on a daily basis now we have to add to that such incredible disrespect. Even though we do not have to deal with sexual propositions daily we still have to live and work in a climate of disrespect.

The genesis of that is not just the fault of the clergy sexual abuse scandal although that has contributed mightily. The faith has not been taught by educators or parents, the faith has not been lived by priests and nuns as our first examples. Our sex, determined by whether we were born with male or female genitals, is science, science in this case is trumped by feelings. Feelings have been given a primary place in decision making. (Sometimes I wake up and feel like I am 80 does that make me 80? I feel it so it must be true. This baby is unplanned and an inconvenience so kill it.) I could go on. Madness in the world, madness in the Church.

Here is a radical idea for the upcoming of the Synod on Synodality, LIVE THE GOSPEL!!! Synodality (from synod which is Greek συν [“together”] + ὁδός [“way”, “journey”]) is in the Catholic Church a term “often used to describe the process of fraternal collaboration and discernment that bodies like the [Synod of Bishops] were created to express”. I know it is not easy and we ALL fall short because we are ALL sinners. As was presented in the gospel today, REPENT. God forgives.

This is from 2012.

While walking my dog Artemus and while simultaneously talking to a friend of mine on the phone I had a brilliant idea.  It is so brilliant and so profound yet so simple that I am impelled to share it with as many people as I can.  For lent, that most penitential season for christians around the world, I have decided to give up the rational world that I, (and most people), live in for the world of pure delusion that so many bishops and priests frolic in every day. 

It will be so wonderful for those 40 days not to think of the sexual abuse scandal in the Church, or maybe if I do think about it I just will not care, after all that is what seems to be happening, (unless the court gets involved).  It will be so nice to deny that there is any connection to the lies and the cover-ups and the grievous sins of perpetrating sexual acts on minors and the state that the Church is in today.   I will be able to happily deny, while smiling , that the Church hierarchy did the wrong thing in all of this and that it is really the press that is to blame.  (I love delusional living already.) 

If I even become a fraction as successful at living the delusional life, (how would you say that in Spanish…la vida something), as so many of our illustrious bishops have already I too may someday qualify to become a bishop.  As long as I stay delusional everything will be o.k.

Except for one major thing…delusional leadership damages the Church.  But the upside of it is never having to ask forgiveness for participation of the sin and the gross evil of clergy sexual abuse and then the active participation in the cover up. Being delusional one thinks; a) it never really happened, b) it isn’t as bad as it sounds, c) The press has blown this all out of proportion, d) I was just following orders from_______ (fill in the blank).  And if I’m delusional I can’t sin or be held accountable for my actions.  (I’m liking this more and more.) 

Now how does one go from rational to delusional????  Maybe I’m delusional already since I still believe that somewhere some bishop is going to step up and take the lead humbling himself and begging for forgiveness from society for the atrocious handling of this dark chapter in the Church !!!

OK, what has to be done by a priest or parish worker before the diocese steps in to correct/resolve the problem? The infraction de jure is molestation and that seems to be only in the last 20 years, at least on a whole scale level. But what about a priest who is attempting to destroy someones reputation? How about a priest who refuses to believe the truth or even refuses to investigate an issue to find the truth? Or even worse knows the truth but refuses to do anything about it even when it is causing spiritual harm to a third party? How about someone working in a parish who oozes toxicity and it spreads to others?

I do not get it. Why are so many people afraid of the truth…especially when God, who is truth, will forgive our transgressions if we ask? But still some people either choose evil or believe God will not or can not forgive them. There are some who don’t care. God is not us, (thank heaven), so is able to forgive us. It has taken me a long time to get to this…but if a molester, even a priest molester, is sorry for the harm caused to a person by molestation then God will forgive them. Who are we not to forgive? Who am I not to forgive? Since God forgives those things the mandate is for us to forgive too. I know, easier sad than done, but what choice do we have? Of course that doesn’t mean that there are no consequences in this life or the next. Forgiveness from God does not mean we are scot-free, but it does mean we are headed in the correct direction. The direction toward God.

Today I’m feeling magnanimous, tomorrow…who knows. Then. like everyone else, I will have to work it out again. We all need to stick with God. He is the only truth. Sometimes it is hard, but we all need to cling to the truth.

Because Christmas and Easter cannot be separated, the birth of Jesus, the true light coming into the world, and the risen Christ bringing new light and life back into the world that is fallen because of the sin of Adam, contemplating both events is awesome.

How much more humble can you get than incarnating as a helpless baby when you are the infinitely powerful God? Born naked…learning potty training…how to talk and walk…and your mom and dad teaching you to pray. They teach you to pray even though you are a part of the Trinity. You have always existed but now you exist in time.

Fast forward to the passion and crucifixion. There is debate among scholars what that was like for Jesus. The Roman forces would scourge a victim who was going to be crucified naked. The pain, at least part of it, is in the humiliation of being nude. Nude equals vulnerable.

There is also scholarly debate on what it meant by Jesus being stripped. Does stripped mean without your clothes on or does stripped mean down to your loin cloth? And then there is the crucifixion itself. Generally the Roman tradition was to execute the criminal totally naked. The Romans were interested in inflicting the greatest amount of physical pain as well as inflicting the greatest amount of emotional pain that they could on the victims of crucifixion before their deaths.

There is humiliation in being executed. Multiply that humiliation by being publicly naked when it is an affront to your cultural norms. Add excruciating pain and a slow tortuous death to the equation. That is what our Savior endured for us.

It can be reasonably said that all the nudity our Savior endured in his final hours is akin to sexual abuse without bodily violation. It went hand in hand with the physical abuse of the slaps, punches, scourging and crucifixion. Remember it was all designed for the debasement of the condemned and as a warning to others. The Nazis did the same thing to the Jews in concentration camps. Co-ed nudity in the gas chambers then death.

It should be comforting in a way, disturbing in others, that our God took not only the physical abuse that he endured into the godhead but also the humiliation and pain of sexual abuse. It is hard to fathom, I cannot fathom it. But I know he did it for me. He did it for all the victims of abuse.

I do know that the knowledge of that should heal me. God is the only one who can heal any of us. So what am I doing or not doing for that to happen? Now it is true I am surrounded by priests who are woefully uneducated and or misinformed about abuse, all abuse, so they do not make it easy for me. I also know that there are may people, and they are Legion, who are also in the same situation with family, friends and co workers. It makes my heart ache to realize that there are people who for thousands of years have been subjected to this very thing, Heck it breaks my heart that I have been subjected to it. It breaks my heart that there are priests and bishops who have been complicit in inflicting the pain. Are they complicit in placing the pain on Jesus thus placing it in the godhead? If God wanted to reject the pain he could have but he did not. Woe to those men and women who inflicted the pain on others or currently try to diminished that pain.

The song written by Eric Bazilian and sung by Joan Osborn was never meant to be a religious song but it became one in the minds of the unwashed masses. Well God was and is one of us in Jesus Christ. It is beyond proper to proclaim that God is Great. Now if we could just get out of his way and let him do his job.

Back in the seminary all of us had a class in homiletics every semester. One of those times the teacher, a priest, told the class that we give the homily, if we are not egotistical, that we ourselves need to hear. I believed him then and I believe him now. I have witnessed many homilies that did not tie into the gospel or into the readings, that really did not tie into the world wide Church. I have a friend who points out that those homilies are from narcissists. I believe that too.

Truly, I do not care about your vacation unless you can tie it in, in some meaningful way, to the real and true teachings of Jesus Christ. Otherwise I’m not interested in your blather. Give me meat. Save my soul by showing me God and telling me what I authentically need to do to work out my salvation. If you cannot do that you are wasting my time.

This has happened to me on more than one occasion, a person does not want to hear the truth or totally misrepresents what you have said and confusion ensues. One example in my priesthood happened last year. The Director of Religious Education went to the pastor about a homily that I gave. She was not present. She had said that a lady, not even Catholic, left the mass crying. Really. I did not see it and I do not believe you. Supposedly a deacon left too. Again I did not see it and I do not believe you. After repeating what I allegedly said I was flabbergasted. I even went out of my way at the homily to say this was not taught at the seminary but was read by me a later time. (Written by a saint.) Her response was, Oh, I didn’t know that.

The sexual abuse scandal is the same way. Truth’s get twisted or misheard, people lie, clergy lie, and the abused are abused again. I have finally come to the realization that absolutely nothing will be done to correct this horrific situation. The bishops who have the most power in the Church have done nothing, and the lesser bishops cannot do anything because they do not have the power and are fearful of the powerful bishops. It must be akin to the hierarchy of the demons.

It will end eventually because God has promised us the the gates of Hell will not prevail against His Church. I am not defeated because I trust in that promise.

At my last reconciliation the priest gave me a penance of reciting 7 times the Serenity Prayer. Since I don’t really know it I looked it up on-line. “Accept the things I cannot change.” That is very difficult for me and for a lot of people. It seems that the hierarchy, priests and some people are so entrenched in covering up or denying the abuse issue in the Church that no none can change it. Billions of dollars used to settle cases of abuse have not changed the culture in the Church so what makes me think they will listed to a lone voice in the wilderness. (John the Baptist had his head cut off.)

I have experienced or witnessed many priests lie, some of them about criminal enterprises that do not involve abuse. That some priests lie and do it so easily is diabolical. “Accept the things I cannot change.” There are devils in the Church and I cannot change that. Someone sent me a copy of a talk that the exorcist, Father Ripperger gave. He did say in it, the Church, was in even in worse shape than we know. He also said not to get wrapped up in the bad we are seeing in the Church…“Accept the things I cannot change.”

I cannot change the consciousness of the bishops, I cannot change the consciousness of fellow priests, I cannot change the consciousness of the people inside or outside of the Church and I cannot change the fact that I was sexually abused. I must accept the fact that things are the way they are in the Church and that the evil is even deeper and more deeply rooted than I imagined.

On the first Grief to Grace retreat I went on I tried to conceal that I was a priest. It didn’t last long. Everyone there said that they tried to see their bishop and were rebuffed, Crying, I revealed that I was a priest and that unlike all of them I could at least get my foot in the door with the bishop’s office. Unfortunately that was all I could do, I could not make him take any action.

“Accept the things I cannot change.” It is all a lot to digest. The evil is too entrenched, I know that now. Everyone is responsible for the salvation of their own soul…and the Catholic Church which should be in the forefront of helping with the salvation of souls is not. That is a harsh reality, (I care about souls.), but I must, “Accept the things I cannot change.”

This whole blog seems to be a big downer but really it has been freeing for me, at least for now. It also says in the Serenity Prayer, “Accepting hardships as a pathway to peace.” I am not good at that either.

The whole Serenity Prayer on line is not the edited version of the prayer used in AA. Trust in God and surrender to His will. Easier said than done. And as Father Ripperger emphasizes, not God of my making. So let us all pray to know the real one true God and not the God of our making.

In 1973. when I was nine, Roe v Wade was passed by the Supreme Court making abortion legal in some cases and up to a certain point, across the country. At that time there were a plethora of photographs of aborted fetuses. No one can claim ignorance as to what abortion really is. Fast forward to my seminary days at Seton Hall University, Immaculate Conception Seminary. There was a pro-life celebration and there were banners with photographs of aborted fetuses all over campus. To my utter amazement one of the seminarians who is now a priest voiced his disgust at such a crass display. WHAT? Luckily the moral theology teacher was present and offered the real life story of a young lady on campus who changed her mind about aborting her child after seeing those photographs Fast forward further. In an article about use of the abortion pill the story was told about woman in great pain and traumatized upon gazing on their dead baby. Again, WHAT? Abortion is often called murder because it is. The photographs prove it.

There are some people who regard those who have been abused by priests as being aborted too. The less extreme settle on the term soul murder. True there are some of us who have killed themselves because of the abuse suffered. Some have turned to self medication via drugs and/or alcohol. And there are some who try to stumble on in life. I myself never wanted to give up control by being drunk or high so the demons I battle are real and not those often found in an altered state.

Maybe that is what the bishops and priest who dismiss or misunderstand what our lives are like need to know. There are a plethora of demons we are battling that we never invited into our lives. I resist this temptation but there are times I just want to smack them for their self-righteous indignation. Here’s indignation for you. I WAS SEXUALLY MOLESTED.

Bishops are still covering for priests all around the world. Some bishops have admitted to being abusers themselves. How many are out there for every McCarrick that is caught? Where is your indignation now?

Since I am getting angry I am going to stop.

What is wrong with people? Why would you offer to perform oral sex on a person that you just met, someone that you don’t even know? Are you that in need of money that you are willing to debase yourself. (I’m assuming that he would have wanted some kind of monetary compensation.) Did I mention that I’m poor? I thought maybe he had been in prison and that’s the way things work there. Regardless, it was at the very least inappropriate.

That’s what it seems the world has come too at least when dealing with priests. How many people would have jumped at that offer? How many priests would have? Isn’t that a sad commentary on society and on the priesthood that someone would even say that out loud to a priest. Is it because of the long history of sexual abuse? And all priests getting painted with that broad brush of being sexually active is unwelcome and untrue.

When making the promise at Deaconate Ordination to forgo marriage and knowing the Church’s teaching on sexual expression outside of a sacramental marriage why and how could a priest acquiesce to such a proposition? Prayer, fasting, spiritual reading are supposed to be what it is we are about. We are in the world not of the world. Carnal desires and worldly wants are things we need to constantly battle. The more that is given to you, like ordination, the more that is expected from you. Falling is not an option, fighting the enemy is necessary. It’s not easy but it is easier when living the life a priest promises to live.

That was the important part of my last blog. Some people have chosen to focus on the salatious aspects of my the blog and got so wrapped up in the trees that they missed the forest. And the ignoring of the meat of the blog seems to have been mostly done by clergy.

What year is it now? Here is a headline taken from a news website today, October 16, 2022; Chicago priest Father Michael Pfleger facing new sexual abuse allegations, that is what should be the biggest concern in the Catholic Church. New allegations means there are other older allegations. It doesn’t seem like it’s ever going to end. If a priest is proven innocent of abuse charges I support him. I know how bad it is being the abused living with it is a nightmare being falsely accused must be a nightmare too. Not being believed and listened too is isolating and is frustrating.

I remember a time not very long ago when the word ‘transparency’ was all the rage in the Church. Too bad it meant almost nothing. The word transparency has been replaced by two words, dialogue and accompaniment. Well here is the dialogue; ‘God is right and you are wrong.’ , and, ‘unless lives change and conform to scripture and tradition then the accompaniment will be to hell.’ It is true that God will take us where we are but does not want us to stay there. God want’s us to grow in holiness as we travel the spiritual road to him not to grow in sin. Again it is about the salvation of souls and the people who should care don’t seem too.

I have good news to report, (in a twisted way). I was asked by a young man, well younger than me, who I did not know if I wanted a . I said no. Believe it or not I was not overwhelmingly triggered. I was triggered but it was less. I guess the passage of 40some years and incredible amounts of therapy has helped me. The same thing happened at my last parish. the difference is that it was a woman, I knew her and that she was a tad mentally ill, we were having a discussion and she blurted out that she, I ignored her and I felt nothing.

Now I must get out there in the universe…that I have been cursed, or blessed, with sooooo much sex-appeal that it just oozes out of every pour of my body all of the time. Add to that add my absolutely devastating handsomeness and you have a recipe for constant sexual harassment. Of course I jest. I’m old and cranky. My goal in life is to become a saint of course but also a curmudgeon, I think they are compatible.

Now my pastor said that in all his years as a priest he has never been propositioned. What was I suppose to say? How was I supposed to feel at that comment? I take it now as not being believed. That is unfair to him because maybe that is not what he meant at all. But because of my damage and because of my past that is where I go first.

What is wrong with people? Why would you offer to perform oral sex on a person that you just met, someone that you don’t even know? Are you that in need of money that you are willing to debase yourself. (I’m assuming that he would have wanted some kind of monetary compensation.) Did I mention that I’m poor? I thought maybe he had been in prison and that’s the way things work there. Regardless, it was at the very least inappropriate.

That’s what it seems the world has come too at least when dealing with priests. How many people would have jumped at that offer? How many priests would have? Isn’t that a sad commentary on society and on the priesthood that someone would even say that out loud to a priest. Is it because of the long history of sexual abuse? And all priests getting painted with that broad brush of being sexually active is unwelcome and untrue.

When making the promise at Deaconate Ordination to forgo marriage and knowing the Church’s teaching on sexual expression outside of a sacramental marriage why and how could a priest acquiesce to such a proposition? Prayer, fasting, spiritual reading are supposed to be what it is we are about. We are in the world not of the world. Carnal desires and worldly wants are things we need to constantly battle. The more that is given to you, like ordination, the more that is expected from you. Falling is not an option, fighting the enemy is necessary. It’s not easy but it is easier when living the life a priest promises to live.