Insight; part II

After leaving the seminary a second time I wound up at what was called at the time, “St. Edmond’s Home for Crippled Children”. It struck, “for Crippled Children”, from the name while I was there. It is a residential facility for, (How to put this delicately?), children with the primary medical diagnosis of some measure of mental retardation. Mental Retardation is a medical diagnosis that is all and in and of itself is a neutral term. I am aware that it has become a slur used against another in heated exchanges. (That’s not cool.)

Anyway that is where I ended up. The 40 children who lived there were also medically fragile and most were in wheelchairs. The staff was not supposed to have favorite children but we all did. Mine was Neil. I could not have loved him anymore if he was my own son. I got too comfortable there and pondered it as my life’s work. Neil passed away at the age of 14. Puberty was not kind to the boys of St. Edmond’s Home.

I freely admit that I was in a fog at that time but through the fog God started in on me again. Emotionally I was happy, sad and more than a little angry. NOT AGAIN, I thought. But again it indeed was. Since Neil’s death I did not want to stay at St. Edmond’s Home or to continue working with children. God used that.

I have to stop. I’ll continue soon.

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Insight; part I

Lately I have been focusing on my woeful relationship with God. It should be better. Thinking about it in the now I have tried to examine my past. Then the thought came to me that when I was in high school before I was molested my relationship with God was constant. I talked with him all the time. I kept a journal that started with, ‘Dear God’, at every entry. I am not saying that in any way I really had a deep understanding of the Catholic faith or a deep understanding of the love of God but there was a longing for God. That went away.

Fast forward to my entering the seminary a second time. Before that happened the longing returned. At that point I did not want to go into the seminary again, I did not want to be a priest. God, he gets the credit or the blame, had other ideas. So I went into the seminary again. This was post-molestation. It was a unmitigated disaster. I asked God why He called me to something that would bring me such pain and would scar me for life. The only thing I can think of is, “The wounded healer.” This is when I had a run in with a molester, who acted predatorily, who was my supervisor one day a week at a high school assignment. It was then that another priest in charge told me to keep my mouth shut in reference to the situation. The priest who was my mentor, (not chosen but thrust upon me), lied to me and about me and also said some very hurtful things to me. The only saving grace was the Spirituality Year that we went on as a class. At that time its greatness was lost on me. The longing for interaction with God rekindled. I let circumstances and evil people quash it once more.

I can’t write anymore. I’ll finish some other time.

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“Anyone who is so progressive that he does not remain rooted in the teaching of Christ does not possess God…”

This is from Friday’ Office of Readings in the Liturgy of the Hours.  It is taken from the second letter of the apostle John.

“Anyone who is so progressive that he does not remain rooted in the teaching of Christ does not possess God, while anyone who remains rooted in the teaching possess both the Father and the Son.”

It goes on.  This is illustrated in many issues today; euthanasia, abortion, immigration, LGBT issues, a myriad of priests and bishops and of course the abuse issue, especially in the Church. God should be at the core of our actions and sadly is not.

Many people who still come to reconciliation mention that they do not love God enough. Join the club…isn’t that what sin is, not loving God enough to trust him and trusting in ourselves.  As difficult as life can get we should never forget that some how, some way God has a plan for our lives. With our cooperation it will come to fruition. God can do an end-around when the freewill of others interferes.

This blog seems to be in opposition to that reality.  Yes there are a lot of people who consider themselves progressives.  And yes they don’t have God at the center of their social warrior activities. We have witnessed some people in the Church who do not have God as the center of  their activities.  There are things that are anathema to God. That is why we have experienced the sexual abuse crises. This is why we still have a diobolical cover-up.  It is also why some in the Church support things like sodomy, gay marriage, abortion, euthanasia, womens ordination, open boarders. There are things that are anathema to God. I not only see the splinters in their eyes I also see the log in my own.

So what is the answer? It is not keeping silent that is for sure. Rioting and burning down buildings is not the answer. We have to keep praying. We have to keep speaking up. We have to constantly remind ourselves that God has got this. In the worst of our anguish and turmoil God has got this.




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Rely on God 100%

Hmmm, I think I’m a little depressed.  It’s not that I feel depressed because I don’t. But I have observed one of the signs.  In the past two days I have spent money pretty much indiscriminately. I did pick up some gifts for birthdays and for Christmas but I clearly see that is a rationalization. Spending is my M.O.

So what is up? It could be the death of Artemus. It could be that the mother of a friend of mine is dying of cancer.  It could be that a friend in Wisconsin has had an unresolved issue with abuse by a priest, (not sexual), that happened 10 years ago. The issue could easily be remedied.  It could be that her experience with the church reminds me of the whole sex abuse nightmare that has engulphed us all.  Inertia is the Church’s M.O. And then, of course, there is all of the above.

My strategy is to ride it out. I will be the first to admit that I haven’t relied 100% on God, I have done significantly better than I have in the past but it hasn’t been 100%.   It needs to be 100%. I pray that I rely on God 100%.   We all need to rely on God 100%.

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Artemus, my dog, is no longer. How is he germane to the clergy sexual abuse scandal?  When I first started to go to therapy I cried a lot while talking about all of the abuse I experienced at the hands of priests.  (Only one was sexual abuse.) About three years into therapy a priest friend of mine was on an extended “educational” stay in Portugal. When people came to visit him in Lisbon he would take then to Fatima. I never visited.  When a mutual friend and her sister went a stray dog attached himself to them in Fatima. Since all the vets in Portugal said he would be destroyed Regina paid to have him brought back to the USA. Many hysterical e-mails catalogued the dog’s trip.  I responded to them by saying that I would take the dog just for the stories. I was not really serious.  Bing. bang, boom I now had a dog.

My therapist enthusiastically endorsed what seemed like folly to everyone else.  He said taking care of a pet would force me to go outside of myself.  So my murderous feelings towards a number of priests were now transferred to the dog. (Not really.) The first year was a power struggle between us. I won some, he won some. But I loved him and taking care of him. I even called him my baby.  I was defiantly outside of myself.  I had him for nine years, eight months and 11 days. It was estimated by the veterinarian that he was about five when I got him so he was about 14.

I loved him, I’ll miss him and my heart hurts. (I hope it is not a pending heart attack.) He most definitely took me outside myself. In reality Artemus helped save me.

No more dogs. My three cats must suffice.

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I have said and I freely admit that there are times that I am slow on the up-take.  Then God, I hope it is God, gifts me with clarity.  This will all come together.  I have had some experiences with other priests and one bishop, (not mine), where it comes across, at lest to me, that the salvation of souls is not their priority. Let me explain the latest manifestation of what has led me to that conclusion. A letter had been sent about a priest and I was one of 34 people cc:’d.  The letter was seven pages long.  I only looked at the first page.  The writer started out with an incorrect and diabolical statement.  Immediately my reaction was, ‘You need to be corrected because you are endangering your immortal soul.’   I did respond.  I didn’t write a letter, maybe I should do that, I did take the Catechism of the Catholic Church and copied the abortion section.  I did this because the letter stated that this particular priest needs to become, “aware”, of the teaching of morality in the Catholic Church.  The letter went on to sing the praises of the Democratic Party and condemn the Republican Party.  (For the record I’m neither.) WOW!

It started me thinking, are there going to be other responses from any of the 34? I know of one priest who got a copy and is not going to respond. I wondered how many others are going to keep silent.  Then it dawned on me that this is what happened and is still happening with respect to the clergy sex abuse crises. No one says anything because there is zero care about the state of anyone’s immortal souls. WOW!

Shouldn’t we care about others as well as ourselves getting into heaven? Shouldn’t we care that someone is in grave error?  Isn’t it the job of all baptized Catholics to get to heaven and to try to help others to get to heaven?

The person who wrote this letter could not be any wronger about the moral teaching of the Church and infanticide and abortion pushed by the Party of Death.  The men of the Church couldn’t be any wronger about how they are dealing with the clergy sexual abuse crises.

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As the disco song by Barbra Streisand and Donna Summer proclaims: Enough is enough.

As the disco song sung by Barbra Streisand and Donna Summer proclaims: Enough is enough. First let’s start with a truth of the Catholic Church; NOT EVERYONE IS SAVED. I do not think for one second I am automatically going to heaven. But I won’t be going to hell over this dreadful clergy sexual abuse crises. (Maybe something else.) Who will????? Not to sit in judgement of others but I really do think that all the clerics and laypeople who have had a hand in prolonging this terrible and unjust scandal are on the fast track to eternal suffering.

I also believe it is worse to say something will be done and then nothing is done. (One example would be Rome.) This could have and should have been  dealt with even before it became public.  You don’t have to be the sharpest tool in the shed to know that a person, in this case priests, sexually acting out is bad.  And yet there are prelates who pretend, and it is pretending, that they had no idea that this was unacceptable behavior. I put therapists who colluded with bishops on the same fast train to damnation.

One of the things that I have heard said or has been actually said to me is the fact that the Boy Scouts of America, for example, have a worse % of molestations than the priesthood.  Apples and oranges.  Priests are supposed to be held to the highest standard in light of what they purport to believe so even if the % for the Boy Scout molestations is higher ours seem more toxic. I would have to consult a therapist about that…victimization is destructive no matter who does it.

How is anyone supposed to trust a hierarchy that lies at every turn? And they have lied, remember Mr. McCarrick formerly Theodore Cardinal McCarrick and Donald Cardinal Wuerl  just to name two. They are legion. Luckily it isn’t about them it is about God.  Then you have the unwashed masses who come out in support of priest molesters because they cannot believe such a good and holy priest did such a thing.  My answer to that is you obviously did not know the man so…shut up.

Let me be the first to acknowledge that there are some false accusations but they are miniscule and I will, and have, supported both priests and laity who have emerged from this scandal after being found not guiltily.

I am very aware that I am not the brightest bulb in the marque nor am I the dimmest.  I will say that I managed to get ordained in spite of the millstone around my neck that is being molested by a priest, not that it was without struggle. I also have managed to stay in the priesthood in spite of working for my abuser. (That would be the Church.)

Enough is enough! Maybe we as a Church are supposed to give up our assets as justice dictates. Maybe we are to be a smaller yet more faithful Church. And here is a thought that is really out there, (sarcasm).  Let’s let God lead. Man has just mucked it up.



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What is the meaning of this new virus, if there is a meaning?

Okay, what is the meaning of this new virus, if there is a meaning? Is God using this virus for his own purposes?  Is God mad at humanity? He should be mad.  Look at the state of the world. Look at the state of the Church. The abortion of children in the womb, letting viable children who have survived abortion to die, euthanasia, thousands of other disrespectful acts toward life and towards God.  And then of course is the never ending, (which is a scandal in and of itself.), is the scandal of sexual abuse and homosexual clergy not living chaste lives, in the Church.

If we all die of this virus, (and we probably won’t), the scandal would cease to be…but it won’t cease to be will it. There was a cynical line in ‘The Terminator‘; “In a hundred years who’s gonna care.” In the case of the Church’s awful handling of this dark episode in Catholic History I hope that line is not true. People not only need to remember this scandal they need to do something to rectify this shame and to never let it be forgotten.  People should be mad.  People should have been mad in 2003.

God help us all.

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The raped and abused by clergy, are they a papal concern that would merit money from the Peter’s Pence collection?

Peter’s Pence has been used to invest in real estate. Peter’s Pence has been used to invest in a movie. Peter’s Pence has been used to fill financial gaps in running the Vatican. A reported 10% has been used for the ‘poor’.  Poor being a relative term.  Here is an idea and I’m just spit balling here, do the poor in Spirit qualify?  How about the raped and abused by clergy, are they a papal concern that would merit money from the Peter’s Pence collection? How about the plethora of people who have left the Church because of the raped and abused by clergy and the way it has not been handled by the men of the Church? Everyone and everything but the people who hurt seem to quallify.

A close friend of mine teaches English Literature at a local university.  She had her students read, “Dr. Faustus“, the students did not like it because, most of them do not believe in God. (At least that is what they say.) So why is the Church chasing people who do believe in God away by:

1. Not acting in a godly fashion.                                                                                                           or                                                                                                                                                               2. Acting swiftly to fix and NOT hide the problem.

So many of the younger generation is already lost to the Church. So many of their parents have been lost by poor catechesis. Scandal after scandal does not help the cause of the Church and it most definitely does not encourage a belief in God. So what is the answer???                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            FIX IT!  (Shouted at the top of my lungs.)                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         Get you shit in a pile.  Get rid of the thieves. Get rid of the sexually active. Get rid of the non-believers. Stop trying to protect your own ass’. Trust in God.

I’m so tired of writing the same things over and over. I shouldn’t have to.  


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Mercy? Love? The pope has revealed himself as a fraud and a liar

First I must get this off my chest. The champion of mercy and love, Pope Francis, actually slapped a woman.  Mercy? Love? Not really.  A lot of excuses have been made for the pope’s behavior but the bottom line is that anyone who acts in such a way does not have real mercy or love it their heart.  He has exposed himself to the world as the fraud that he is.

There have been many people that I’ve come across in the daily living out of my priesthood who I wanted to slap but I did not.  I do not believe for one moment that I posses real mercy or love it my heart, although I want too, and pray too, but I do have some semblance of self-control. (At least I have had it thus far in my priesthood.)

Where does this all lead, besides the pope’s revealing himself as a fraud and a liar? (He is a bishop so what should we expect?  To my chagrin I’ve become so cynical.) It leads to all of his pretty words about zero tolerance for clergy who sexually abuse and all of his love and concern for the victims of these priests, (Remember bishops & cardinals are priests.), are smoke dissipating in space and time.

As a priest myself I find that devastating.  As a victim I find that infuriating.  Thank God, literally, for individuals in the press who have made a huge stink about the godless acts of the Bransfields, McCarricks, and Wurels in our midst. Thank God, literally, for the attorneys general who are investigating these issues and investigating all involved in the cover-up since the Church isn’t investigating it or is not able to investigating itself.  The sad actuality is that many diocese are fighting against any and all investigations.

This whole issue has morphed into an enormous black hole that has sucked in the people who sit in the pews. The faithful are now also victims of the lying liars, the sexually active priests, the drug takers and the thieves.  Some of them do not even try to hide themselves behind a thin veneer of holiness or even religiosity any longer.  Lucky for us that we have a light that cannot be extinguished or sucked in by any black hole. That light is Christ.  As difficult as it sometimes is, Christ is who we need to cling to…not man or men in robes…Christ.

Reports from the media point to a measurable drop in donations to the Church.  That should get the attention of men in high places.  The love of money seems to be true love of Church authorities and not the love of God. One begins to question if they even believe in God.  That thought should not have ever entered any of our minds but it has because we see how they act and react. How can you be a believer and be a sexually active priests, a drug takers and a thief? Pray, pray, pray, for that is all we have, (except for money of course), and that is all we need.  God help us.  God help all involved.





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